|How could you not love this?|
I am not really a mummy blogger. Call it escapism, but I prefer writing about interior styling, design and cooking. I love my kids and would never want to give them back or God forbid lose them, but if I am completely honest, I do often wonder if I knew what I know now, would I have had them at all? Of course the answer is a big yes, but like lots of mothers, it has been hard for me. I am an only child and looking back now, I was very loved but terribly spoilt. My mother did everything for me and although I had a fabulous childhood, not having to ever lift a finger, was not great training for motherhood. Anyhow I have had a rude awakening as a wife and mother and can now slave away with the best of them. My mum would probably call it pay back.
|This part of motherhood is cr*p|
As a result of these questions I ask myself about motherhood and my love hate relationship with it, it was with great interest, that I heard Chrissy Swan laughing about a funny test designed for women to see if they were ready to take the leap into motherhood. It made me laugh and after a major drink spillage this week at the beach house, which just about did my head in, I was inspired to create a 10 point test that I wish I could have taken before I made the decision to reproduce. It may have given me some inkling as to what I was in for. Here's what I came up with. Take the test and see how you fare. If you can do all this stuff, then you will be well suited to all the pitfalls of motherhood. Believe me there are many. If you can't and you still want to be a mum, you will need to learn to suck it up like I am still trying to.
1. Take two good quality large clothes pegs. Attach one to each of your nipples in 2 hourly increments, 6 or 7 times over 24 hours. Every 5 minutes or so twist the pegs vigorously in a circular direction for several rotations. If you can handle the associated pain and think you can do it for an absolute minimum of 6 months day in day out, then you are a good candidate for breast feeding.
|Thankfully they can be very loveable|
2. Get yourself down to the local fruit market and purchase several 10kg bags of oranges. Tie 2 bags together with a length of rope, such that you can sling the bags around your neck. Leave them in place indefinitely even if your knees, back and hips are killing you. This will simulate the weight you may gain during pregnancy. In my case, I would have needed to carry it around for a further 8 years to simulate the time it took to lose it.
|Carrying way too much baby weight here. Yuck|
3. Wrap a wet hand towel around the bottom of a 5kg bag of oranges. Set the alarm clock for 11pm. Go to bed at 8.30pm. But wake up at 10pm. Get up. Take the wet towel off the bag of oranges and rewrap with a dry towel. Carry the bag of oranges around for the next 2 hours gently rocking it. Reapply the pegs to your nipples now and repeat the instructions in test 1. Finally put the bag down, reset your alarm for 2am and try to get a few hours sleep before repeating the whole catastrophe again. Be prepared to repeat similar versions of this scenario, every night for up to 2 years.
|I always tried to keep the toys in the playpen even if the baby refused to be in there|
5. Do 3 to 4 loads of washing at once and hang them out several days later. When you bring the washing in in a weeks time, dump the basket in the corner of the living room. Leave it there for some time. It will go beautifully with those toys.
6. Make several cups of tea or coffee throughout the day. Each time, leave your hot drink on the bench top. Whilst you are waiting for it to go completely cold, crumble the biscuit you were planning to eat with your drink and toss it around the room. Make sure you walk it into the carpet. Leave it there for at least 24 hours. Return to your cuppa and drink it, but only if it is stone cold.
7. In a large bowl mix Thai fish sauce, sour milk and crushed prawn shells. Decant into a shaker and sprinkle the contents through your car. Leave it in the sun with the windows closed for a day. Get into it and drive it around on your daily errands. Have you ever had baby spew/poo in your car? No? Well if you can survive this test you will be able to cope with it, when it inevitably occurs.
8. Take a large bag, fill it with nappies, baby wipes, nappy bags, dummies, baby toys, a change of clothes for you and the baby, baby formula and bottles, if you can't face the peg test above. Carry it around for the next 2 years, each time you go out. Gone will be the days where you can leave home with a clutch bag and a bottle of French champagne. Get over it.
|Do not expect to drink a hot cup of tea for many months after the birth of your baby|
|Even this chunky thing is way too small|
9. Get dressed up for a very important social event. Just as you are leaving the house, spray yourself with the same mixture you prepared for the car. Burst into tears, jump in the shower, find another suitable outfit that may or may not need ironing. It's probably over there in the washing basket in the living room, which has been sitting there for a month. Get dressed and attempt to leave the house again. Don't forget all the oranges and your big bag of baby stuff.
10. Take one small cup of Nudie juice. That's all you will need to completely ruin the carpet. If you don't have Nudie juice at this stage, red wine will do. The effect will be identical. Slosh it from one end of the TV room to the other. Get down on your knees and scrub the carpet clean as best you can. Accept the fact it will never look the same again.
|And just so you don't forget the pain I was in, here it is again.....arrrgh|
And believe me all of this has really happened in my motherhood experience. I could go on and on, but I think the above is a good sample of a few of the realities involved. I might write another one of these tests for tweens one day. I would love to hear any motherhood ready tests you could add in the comments. Or are you in the camp who prefers to keep the unbearable bits of motherhood a secret?
The winner of the the Rust-oleum Paint giveaway is
Elements at Home. Please send me your address by 25 January 2013 to avoid a redraw.
Today I am linked up here
Market Yourself Monday
Table Top Tuesday
Wow Us Wdnesday
House of Hepworths
Katie's Nesting Spot
With Some Grace
Feathered Nest Friday
Flaunt it Friday
Show and Tell Friday
Weekend Wrap Up